April 1, 1976
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1976 PREVIEW ISSUE
The league celebrates its 25th anniversary in the nation's Bicentennial Year. The Detroit Griffins will defend their first title in club history. Young GMs will take over two playoff teams, and the major leagues will play indoors on artificial turf as the Dallas Texans try to put 14 struggling years behind them in their new home in Seattle. 
Girth of a Nation
1976 Year In Preview – America Sized Edition by Charlie Qualls It doesn’t take a supersensible see ‘n’ sayer to spot that America is turning the big Two-Oh-Oh this year, though naming the ensuing celebration after the disgraced Sioux Chief “Bison Ten Eels” may eventually prove insensitive and showy. The Spirit of ’76 will live on mainly in the wallets of shrewd/lucky investors. The invention of a small box full of wires and microchips will lead to the creation of thousands of fresh millionaires. A Northern California nerd will Force us to view movie making differently, and at least a couple folks will hit the mother lode by gluing google-eyes to rocks and selling them as pets. “Google.” That’s a funny word, and yet for some reason it feels we should invest all our money in it… Looking ahead, America believes it’s temporarily ready for a peanut farmer President, Canada will go a long way toward being put on a map somewhere by hosting the Summer Olympics, and if New Yorker “Sam” was disappointed in his son before, he’s gonna hate 1976! 
The Next 2Hundy Starts Here
• The Nobel Prize for Economy will be awarded to American Economist Milton Friedman. His acceptance speech will be extravagant and wordy. • The Two Dollar Bill will be reintroduced as currency to commemorate the Bicentennial, and not, as Gerald Ford will claim, “To insure the dollar takes twice as long to destabilize.” • The Supreme Court will decide that capital punishment is once again a capital idea. The soon to be classic case Eyeforeye v. Cheekturn will spell out that killing is such an affront to humanity, one really should be killed for it. • The miniseries Rich Man, Poor Man will debut, but it’s unclear how it will be received by the “77 percent.” • Insurance salesman turned Olympic decathlete William Bruce Jenner will face off against the best, nipping and tucking his way to gold. But it won’t be long after he meets his girlfriend, Kris, that he’ll find himself bringing up the rear. • It’ll be all high fives and promotions at 20th Century Fox when executives trick American Graffiti director George Lucas into taking a pay cut on his next project (behind his back they’ll call it “Giant Space Dump”) in exchange for the entirely made-up and useless perk: “100% Merchandising Rights.” • Tired of business as usual, Americans will elect Georgia peanut farmer (i.e., D.C. outsider) James Earl “Jimmy” Carter, Jr. the 39th POTUS, but four years later voters will realize they really, really miss the war mongering. • New Chicago Colts owner Jo Lima will meet his first real challenge when a laundry company snafu leads to the Colts being forced to wear women’s volleyball uniforms. Of course, the real losers are the Chicago Lady Spikerz, who ironically get skunked while trying to navigate the gym floor in baseball spikes. Around the Crystal Globe
• The reunification of North and South Vietnam will take its first steps with East and West Vietnam once again being left out of the discussion. Cuba will adopt its latest constitution, though smart money says they will be unfit parents. • Argentine President Eva Peron will be deposed by her country’s military. Meanwhile, University of Michigan freshman Madonna Ciccone can only dream of one day making Ms. Peron’s story tedious and unwatchable. • The USSR will launch Luna 24, the last flight from Earth to the moon. Two days later, “Who” drummer Keith Moon will collapse and be hospitalized. Coincidence? Hold on while we look up the word “coincidence…” Yep, coincidence. • The US and Russia will agree to the size of nuclear tests for “peaceful use.” Don’t give this idea too much thought or your head will explode, albeit peacefully. • England’s Queen Elizabeth II will send the first Royal “electronic mail.” The contents of the message will be confidential, however, the first message the Queen receives will be from L.A. Outlaws Owner Peter Vays, offering a very reasonable deal on boner pills. • A notoriously bad speller, QE2 will accidentally invent “shorthand” for “electronic mail.” Here are a few that (inexplicably) will not catch on: GQQ – Giggling Quite Quietly LSHISMK – Laughing So Hard I Shit My Knickers ICYD – I’m Crying, You Dick CLTLMMBL – Can’t Laugh Too Loudly, Murdoch May Be Listening FDETIJTY – Farting Discretely, Except That I Just Told You 
Tune In Tomorrow – 1976 Music In Preview
• He’s so fined! US courts will rule that ex-Beatle George Harrison is guilty of plagiarism. Harrison will quietly pay the penalty in the hopes that no one will connect that he thinks his “sweet Lord” is “so fine.” • Barry Manilow will produce his first number one hit, “I Write the Songs.” Unfortunately, B.M.’s career will have been launched before it’s determined that writing songs about writing songs is probably cheating, and at the very least unwarranted bragging. The only thing worse would be writing a silly love song about silly love songs. • Stormin’ Mormon duet Donny and Marie Osmond will debut their music and variety television show, ending each broadcast with the runaway hit “I’m a Little Bit Attracted to My Sister.” (Future foreknower’s note: we also would have accepted “I’m a Little Mitt Romney.”) • After using profanity on television, the U.K. band Sex Pistols will be branded “rotten punks.” Twenty-five years later, another band will have the balls to swear on T.V. and will be branded “on T.V.” YIP’s Consumer Alert! A couple of hippies will be hitting up Bay Area hobby shops and investors in an attempt to raise capital for their fruit-based computer company. DO NOT give them money under any circumstances, no matter how much “stock” they offer you in return. You have been warned. |
EAST DIVISION PREVIEW
Lots of churn in the East, with all three playoff teams hiring new GMs. Young rookie skippers take over in Detroit and Manhattan and veteran Eric Holthaus moves north of the border to take over the 101-win Voyageurs. Expect a tightly-contested race in one of the most talent-packed divisions in league history. The bookies like Manhattan to win their second division pennant in three years, with Steve Rogers and Don Sutton as one of the best 1-2 SP combos in the league and Tom Grieve making a run for a third straight MVP.
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Boston FederalsThe '75 Feds were arguably the worst team in the league since the Louisville/Atlanta teams that lost 100+ games every year from '63-66. It only took GM Glen Reed two seasons to turn that club into a 99-win World Series champion, and Boston is hoping for similar results from the Special One, but the outlook is bleak with the likes of Bake, Biff, Sixto, and Roric in key roles.
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Brooklyn SuperbasThe Bas have suffered six losing campaigns on the trot and six straight sixth place finishes, but third year GM Terrance Carlsson is expecting big things from a lineup anchored by Fred Lynn and Mike Schmidt. Look for improved pitching as starters Rhoden, Ruthven, and Solomon enter their prime years, and "Terrific Tom" Seaver rebounds from a career worst year.
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Cleveland BaronsThe Barons, with #1 rated starter Rick "Big Daddy" Reuschel, posted their fifth straight year as a top-two pitching staff, and their 52 CGs were the most since '66 Spiders (with a certain Canadian rookie named Fergie). Veteran GM Charlie Qualls is hoping Cooper, Cepeda, and Kingman can lift an offense that has scored fewer runs over the last decade than any team.
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Detroit GriffinsThe Griffs are coming off what many pundits consider one of the flukiest seasons in UL history, but it is hard to argue with 10 batters with double-digit HRs and the highest slugging percentage in club history. First-year skipper Aidan Smith faces the challenge of a declining Reggie Jackson and a sub-par pitching staff still looking for a legit ace. But never count out a club that was picked to finish dead last, but ended the season lifting the first hardware in club history.
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Manhattan Gray SoxContinuity is the theme for new GM Quinn Tonole, whose Drab Hose are poised for three straight winning season for the first time since joining the circuit in 1962. Two-time MVP Grieve swatted a league best 46 dingers and 146 RBI, Righty Rogers and Lefty Carlton combined for a 36-15 record, and closer Ken Tatum has notched 125 saves in the last four seasons. Overall, one of the most balanced teams in the league; what other club can boast a #5 starter with a 1.98 ERA in 80+ innings?
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Montréal VoyageursWhen the Special One lifted the second year V's to the first 100-win season since the 1970 Colts, he used he secret recipe of great hitting, great pitching, and great defense. Now former Gray Sox GM Eric Holthaus will attempt to make Montréal the first back-to-back 100-game winnersin over a decade. No major changes apart from the sentimental signing of 3B George Brett. Singer, 7-1 after joining the club on Aug. 1, was a key cog and rates as one of the top SPs in the game.
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Washington Monuments12th-year GM Doug Aiton has 10 winning seasons in the last 13 (a feat matched only by LA's Peter Vays), but Washington has missed the playoffs in each of the last three seasons by an average of less than five games. That makes the performance of closer Milt Wilcox, 24, all the more important, as Washington tries to reverse losing records in extra-inning and one-run games.
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POSITIONAL RANKINGS
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WEST DIVISION PREVIEW
Look for the Outlaws to successfully defend their division title behind one of the most dominant and deep rotations in the game. The Fergie Jenkins-led Spiders will challenge for the top, and after just four winning seasons and no playoff appearances in 14 years in Dallas, the Texans become the first UL team to play indoors on turf. The Colts and Toppers' struggles will continue and St. Louis will fail to build on last year's momentum.
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Los Angeles OutlawsGM Peter Vays' 65 and '66 #1s may go down as the best back-to-back first rounders in UL history. Dierker and Peterson have combined for a 333-220 record and 3.12 ERA in 683 starts. The emergence of Dennis Leonard and the ageless Phil Niekro give the Outlaws a top-three rotation. Question marks abound in the lineup, however, as Thomasson's production has tapered off and the 6-8 hitters are untested.
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St. Louis MaroonsJon Matlack and Don Medich could emerge as the premier lefty-righty 1-2 punch in the league (after Dierker-Peterson in LA), and Joe Niekro posted career bests in ERA and WHIP. Look for Nolan Ryan to excel in the closer role, and for Hargrove and Milner to have breakout years, but a sagging Reggie Smith and a weak bottom of the order will diminish run production.
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San Francisco SpidersA full year of a healthy Bob Moose (who at 102-51, 2.42 in 199 starts is one of the most dominant starters of the decade) spells instant contender when added to Jenkins and Hedlund (a combined 35-15and 2.12 ERA last year). Jim Rice, 22, is on the verge of a monster breakout year and George Foster's power numbers are on the upswing.
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Seattle TexansThe change of scenery should do the Texans good as a supporting cast evolves around superstars Rod Carew and J.R. Richard. The Kingdome figures to be more pitcher-friendly than Turnpike Stadium, to the benefit of young starters like John Montefusco and Frank Tanana, who starts the season in the bullpen but could challenge for a rotation slot.
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PITCHER RANKINGS
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TOP PROSPECTS
1. 1B Jack Clark, DET
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