Stan the Man Joins Hall
Musial Tops Campy in Runoff Vote
NEW YORK  (Nov. 1) – St. Louis Maroon right fielder/first baseman Stan Musial was elected the third inductee into the UL Hall of Fame today, winning a runoff vote with former teammate Roy Campanella.  Musial joins Ralph Kiner and Billy Pierce, yet another Maroon, in the hallowed, but as-yet unbuilt, pantheon of UL luminaries.

Musial’s candidacy was diminished somewhat by his relatively short career – at nine years, the shortest of any of the dozen-odd players thus far considered for enshrinement.  But voters ultimately considered his brief period of dominance worthy of a Hall nod.  Stan was one of the most feared hitters in the league’s early years, enjoying a four-year period of dominance from 1953 to 1956 in which he hit at least 35 HR, 100 RBI, scored 110 runs, hit .320 and slugged over .590.  He won the MVP in 1954 and probably deserved a second one the following year, losing narrowly to Mickey Mantle.  Musial was a career .308 hitter with a .550 SLG and .944 OPS, both third all time.  His six .300 seasons are second only to Gene Woodling among current Hall candidates.

Musial was second in the voting in both 1965 and 1966, forcing runoffs with Kiner and Pierce.  With no new candidates to contend with, he was widely pegged as the favorite in this year’s balloting, and won a record 30 votes on the first ballot, exactly half, missing induction by one vote, before easily winning the runoff with Campanella, 39-21.  Campanella took 13 votes in the first round (22 percent), edging Carl Erskine, who was third with 11 votes (18 percent).

Campy on Deck?
Campanella, named catcher on the UL All-Decade Team, placed fourth in 1965, third last year, and second this year, positioning himself to be the front-runner in next year’s balloting.  But he faces another obstacle in the person of Willie “Puddin Head” Jones, the third baseman on that same All-Decade Team, and Campy’s teammate from 1951-1954.  In addition to Campanella and Jones, next year’s ballot will again include Carl Erskine, Stu Miller, Minnie Minoso, Hoyt Wilhelm, Gene Woodling, and Gus Zernial.  Any player who retires between now and January 1 will also be considered for inclusion on next year’s ballot.

Hank Yanked
Former Washington Monuments second baseman Hank Thompson was the first candidate to be voted off the ballot, with four negative votes (one more than Gus Zernial).  He joins pitcher Bob Miller and second baseman Nellie Fox in the dubious category of “former” Hall of Fame candidates.  The negative votes were introduced this year to keep the candidate list culled to a reasonable size in light of the impending wave of Hall hopefuls in the next five years.  League officials explained that Thompson’s removal from the ballot, like Miller and Fox before him, does not preclude his eventual Hall membership through a veterans’ committee or similar avenue in the future, though it certainly diminishes his chances as it indicates that voters feel there are several more qualified candidates in line ahead of him.

Hall to Open in 1970
The Hall of Fame is scheduled to open in 1970, on the occasion of the UL’s 20th year, with five inaugural inductees to be honored.  League officials announced today that the site for the museum would be chosen in spring 1968 and the first earth moved in the fall.

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And This Year’s HOF Inductee Is…...Billy Pierce?
“Shenanigans” Continue to Plague UL
Commish Vows Action in Latest UL Scandal
by Sean Holloway
VIENNA (Oct. 25) --  Fresh on the heels of “Wimpy-gate”, the United League’s scandal resulting from a seemingly indifferent attitude to the improper recording of trades involving a certain team from St. Louis that will remain nameless (see Circuit Clouts of 9/24), comes more bad news.  Highly placed UL officials have leaked information regarding voting irregularities involving the 1967 UL Awards and annual Hall of Fame voting.

Shortly after the leaks were reported in the press, UL Kommissar Tim Smith hastily assembled an emergency press conference on the banks of the Danube, where he vowed quick action.  According to Smith, UL officials have been aware of voting “improprieties” for some time but remained quiet, seeking to gather enough evidence to put those perpetrating the fraud away for good.

As the Commish explained, the first item that raised eyebrows was the glaring omission of Rod Carew for Rookie of the Year honors on Detroit GM Sean Holloway’s ballot.  After deservedly earning a Commish “Boo!” and being contacted by UL officials, Holloway initially feigned ignorance, claiming that he “forgot” which team Carew played for and thus couldn’t track down his stats to accurately judge his performance.  After it was pointed out that teams were listed *behind* each candidate’s name on the ballot, Holloway, upon hearing this, was reportedly so taken aback that he tripped over the ottoman in the Griffins’ TV lounge, severely breaking his pinkie in the ensuing fall.  Griffins’ personnel quickly carted the GM away to the hospital as he spewed a litany of ear-piercing unrelated statements, shouting “Leave Britney alone!”, “Ozzie Smith’s HR was fair!”, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” and “I’m so drunk!”

As if that wasn’t enough, this intrepid reporter has uncovered a huge story:  the return of UL legend and Hall of Famer Billy Pierce.  Rumored to be lured out of retirement by Atlanta GM Glen “Nancy Pelosi is dreamy” Reed, the exact details of the of the deal are unknown but allegedly involve plastic surgery, a name change to Steve Carlton, and one of those annoying red Hilltopper mascot outfits.  Carlton’s representatives hotly deny any link between the two lefties, and Pierce’s attorneys have also chimed in, offering that Pierce would never play for “that pinko commmie who lives on the Left Coast.”

And just when you think the story can’t get any stranger, it appears that one UL GM has seen through Reed’s chicanery.  Manhattan GM Jeff Gurganus, in a form of quiet protest, submitted his 1967 HOF ballot with a vote not for those eligible, but for 1966 inductee Billy Pierce.  Commish Smith immediately contacted the Gray Sox owner and demanded an explanation.  Gurganus replied that he could see what was happening.  Going further, and with his two young daughters climbing all over him, he offered that “Pierce will have just a good a career as 22-year old Steve Carlton as he did when he was Billy Pierce, so why not just vote him in again?"  And even if that’s not the case, he was good enough the first time around to deserve a 2nd induction.”

Finally, to add some humor to the mix, Chicago Colts GM and owner Lance Mueller allegedly dipped into the Colts war chest to wage a PR battle to get Colts left fielder Joe Adcock elected Most Valuable Player.  Pundits are concerned that Mueller may have forfeited the Colts’ future simply because he laughs like Beavis and Butthead any time he hears “Joe Ad-COCK” over a public address system.

How will Commish Smith respond to this latest scandal?  No one is quite sure, but many believe action will swiftly follow Smith’s press conference, which he ended by stating “you have to get up pretty early in the morning to put lipstick on those two pigs hiding in the bush”.  I’m not sure what that means, but I will sleep tonight comforted by this folksy nugget of wisdom.